*warning this post is written on very little sleep.
If I had to describe what it is like to have Anxiety, I would have to say that it is like watching a filler episode of your favorite television show only to have a news ticker consistently running along the bottom of the screen. About halfway through the program, you start to realize that it may not be a filler episode after all, but you've already missed integral context clues because you were so focused on the 20 or so snippets of text at the bottom of your screen. suddenly, you start to replay the episode with the news ticker still going off. This action will became a mental Mobius strip, sometimes lasting for hours. it won't always be as entertaining as your favorite tv show though. I can probably promise you that it won't be entertaining, at all.
Most people have to factor in the stresses of work, friendships, and relationships on top of all of that.
Sometimes, I think that the worst part of my anxiety is that I am home alone with it. I am able to pull up a chair and become comfortable with it on a daily basis. Just me and my old bud anxiety, randomly analyzing a conversation I had two weeks ago and convincing myself that my best friend hates me because they never responded to a text I sent 48 minutes ago. Everyone does that right? I am my own worst enemy.
When my anxiety gets too much, I shut down which causes its own set of problems via unfinished cleaning, unanswered letters or texts, and a whole lot of blankly laying around making endless lists but not having the motivation to finish them.
This month, I have accomplished a few small things:
I joined a YA book club that is sponsored by my local library. It meets at several local bars around town. Books and booze induced courage make for a good time. I can be set on one glass of wine or Blood and Honey, thank you. I've been trying to focus on healthy friendships and after gushing with another bookish lady about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Gilmore Girls OTPs I managed to make a new friend.
I helped out a stranger by answering questions about the creation of a crisis and emotional support line for people with disabilities. I stated that an aspect of my anxiety manifests through talking on the phone and they emailed me the question set.
I also messaged someone out of the blue about a favorite Comic Book. Social strides, I tell you.
I have mentioned before that I have issues with self esteem, because of this, I rarely leave the house withoutmakeup. I'm not a youtube beauty vlogger but I have to at least have foundation on. Last saturday, I was feeling particularly down and decided to just go out anyway. I recently ran out of makeup staples and had to go to Ulta without makeup. I always feel super judged going into a makeup store bare faced but I grabbed my products and made it out fine.
This all sounds really trivial but I should take stride in it instead of trying to invalidate myself. Maybe I will start monthly big-little-things posts.
Are there any tasks you feel anxiety about?
When was the last time you pushed yourself to do something?